Recovering in Silence
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When I began writing I never thought I would have the courage to share with other people.
What started as a simple way for me to cope, for me to vent, soon became the only way I was able to express my feelings, my story in what I often refer to as “out loud.” I intended for my feelings to only be shared with the keys and the files folder on my desktop.
It was not until I had this burning feeling in my stomach for weeks that I decided to share my first blog post. This feeling that what I had written that week someone needed to hear, someone needed to read, someone needed that message so badly that I needed to put my anxiety and fear aside and share my post. I went back and forth for days, working on my site, posting and reorganizing and designing. Staring long and hard at that “make public” button time and time again before finding the courage to just do it. The next few months opened doors I did not even know existed…
So, let’s talk about it.
The uncomfortable reality of trauma and addiction is, that no matter how much you’ve changed your life, no matter how many good things you’ve accomplished there will always be this overwhelming fear that when people look at you, the image they see is the stigma you’ve tried to escape from. This fear often leads those in recovery to relapse. The pressure of changing the way other people look at you, mixed with the constant intrusive thoughts of “I am an addict I will always be an addict; I might as well just get high since I know I’ll end up getting high again eventually anyway” keeps you dancing on this line of am I going to do this or am I not.
I know so many of us who battle with this on a daily basis. I never shared my history of addiction. How could I openly admit my history and then expect people not to see me as an addict? How could I admit my history with sexual assault and people not see me as a victim? These are the questions that ultimately let me live in silence for years of my life. The same questions I know so many of us deal with, the same questions that keep people like me living in dark shadows of pain, regret, and anger. I was terrified of sharing who I was because I thought if I did, I would never be able to be seen as anything but who I used to be.
Academically and professionally, I had grown into an entirely new version of myself, a version of myself I was proud to be, a version of myself that was not compared to the plaque that was taking over our communities. I was just a hard-working student and mom who loved to be a helper and did her job to the best of her ability.
Truthfully, I felt like I was living a double life and just hiding this part of me that only the people who I used with knew existed. I felt like professionally and academically I was a fake. I know most of us that recover in silence often feel this way.
So, when I published my first blog, the fear of what was going to happen when people seen it brought back those same feelings of living in addiction. The shame and guilt that surrounded me when using, the fear of people finding out, the constant feeling of hiding came crashing down on me. I watched almost obsessively to see how many people were reading, how many users signed on to my page, how many people liked or shared my Facebook posts. But like I said, instead of all these bad things happening that I planted in my mind. Doors began to open.
People who were struggling messaged me, people who had family struggling messaged me, people who were in sobriety messaged me, those who just did not understand addiction messaged me, but most importantly, those who were still contributing to the stigma messaged me. Words of encouragement, questions, and congratulations were constantly being commented, messaged, expressed. I had begun to build an entire community of people who needed to hear what I had to say. People who felt they didn’t have a voice were finding the courage to speak, people who felt like no one would believe them began to yell their truth despite the fear and because of all of you, the readers who found inspiration in my writing, I am able to embrace my past experiences, because of you, I am able to share my experience in recovering in silence, now.. I recover OUT LOUD. I am no longer allowing myself to be a victim because we are survivors together!
Allow me to introduce myself to all of you who are reading for the first time. My name is Katlin. I am a mother of three, I am a student, a professional, a partner. I am an addict in recovery, I am a survivor of sexual violence. I am your friend, your neighbor, your mom or dad, sister or brother, I am your high school teacher, the nurse at your doctor’s office and I am here to be LOUD about the trauma and struggles that we all go through in silence, so one day you can do it OUT LOUD.
-Katlin Elaine
